


I Know It's Nobody's Fault

by MorningOwl



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, All the dads are super nice to each other, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Cheating, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, I mean it's Joseph so, M/M, Religious Content, minor OC character death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2018-12-13 21:02:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11768310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorningOwl/pseuds/MorningOwl
Summary: Why and how the Christiansen marriage fell apart, and how Joseph coped.Main Character will be named "Leo".





	1. Miss You So Badly

Wails filled the halls of the hospital, the sound unmistakable. Joseph could barely see through his tears, trying to hold back sobs. It was a losing battle, he knew, but he tried. For the sake of everyone. He felt no pain as horrible as this, no dread like the one he felt now. All he could do was look at the limp body on the bed, and listen to the wailing of his wife.

He wrapped his arms around Mary, hoping to help her, as much as himself, but it seemed to have no effect. She continued to wail.

“My baby! My beautiful, baby girl!” She cried. Josephs’ tears soaked the shoulder of his wife’s sweater. Time stopped, and he found himself unable to process anything that happened.

Joseph was on the verge of breaking down. The body of their tiny little girl, their precious daughter, now as cold as the air around her. She looked peaceful, in a way. He knew she was in heaven; that she was with God. He just didn’t understand why she had to be gone so soon. A child losing a parent was devastating, but a parent losing a child was an unthinkable horror. And Joseph was facing that horror. He didn’t expect such a calm face could cause him such pain.

He barely heard the door opening over Mary’s wails. Only when he heard leather shoes on tile did he look up. He was greeted with Damien’s concerned face, eyes devoid of contacts, wet and dripping tears. Somehow, the sight of sympathetic brown eyes only made this worse. Mary barely heeded her friend attention.

“Your children…” Damien started. “They’re crying. They don’t know what’s going on.”

Joseph’s heart froze. His older children were so excited a year ago to have a baby sister. They treated the sickly child with such kindness and care. They weren’t old enough to understand what was going on. He looked to his wife, her wails turned into shaking sobs. He felt so lost, so conflicted. Every option seemed like the wrong one.

Slowly, Joseph let go of his wife. She curled around herself in her chair, looking a complete mess. He turned to Damien. “Please look after her. I… I’ll talk to them.” Joseph was amazed when he found he had the strength in him to stand. Damien quickly took his place, holding Mary, comforting her better than Joseph ever could at this moment. Joseph didn’t want to leave, but he’ll be damned if he lets his babies see the dead body of their sister.

Every step felt like climbing a cliff. The hall only got longer as he got closer to the lobby. He sniffled, wiping away tears as much as he could. His face was puffy and red. He managed to stop the flow of tears as he turned the corner into the lobby. He was greeted with too many faces, too many sympathetic looks. Some were strangers, who could hear the wails and didn’t know what was wrong, only that something horribly, horribly was. Some were staff, which looked sad, as if this was their reminder that not everyone in a hospital lives. There were friends. Craig, whose face was unmoving, stuck in a permanent expression of sympathetic agony. Brian, whose tears stained his normally rosy cheeks. And Mat, who looked ill at the very thought of losing a child. Each of them stood behind a child. Joseph would have to thank them all later. Thank them for taking in another child during this difficult time.

Christie ran from Craig’s side, running up to Joseph and hugging his leg. Christian and Chris did the same, hugging him as best they could.

“Daddy!” Christie wailed. “I’m so scared, daddy. Is baby Christina okay?”

Joseph, on shaky legs, kneeled down to the eye level of his children. He could see that all three of them had been crying. They didn’t deserve to know death this early in life. They should be playing with their sister, teaching her their beautiful, toddler wisdom.

His voice cracked as he spoke. “Christina is with Jesus now.” Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Mat let out a breathy sob, and sit down. The other two friends looked horrified, and the kind souls of strangers seemed to reach out to Joseph. He took a deep breath and continued. “She’s no longer going to be with us.”

“Why?” Demanded Chris.

Joseph let out a huff of depressed laughter. “I don’t know. God decided it was time for her to be with Him.”

“Is she in heaven?” Christie asked.

Joseph couldn’t stop the tears this time. He hiccupped as he spoke. “Yes, Christie. All children go to heaven. God loves all of his people, and he makes sure that all the children go to be with Him in heaven.”

He could see his children start to cry, so he brought them into a big hug. “Let’s pray, okay?”

They quietly nodded. Never before in his life had he felt so unsure about his words, so unsure he wouldn’t just break down in tears. He may be a minister, but he didn’t know if he could overcome his emotions. There was a pain in his chest, a thudding in his ears. He never wanted to feel this again in his life, ever.

He had just finished standing up when Damien walked Mary into the lobby. She was wrapped in his cloak, looking worse than Joseph. His children ran to their mother, and she pulled them into a hug. Brian, Mat, and Craig came over. Joseph was more than thankful when Brian let him lean on him for support.

“We know these next few days will be hard. Let us know if there’s anything we can do.” Craig’s voice was soothing. Joseph didn’t know he needed to hear the man’s voice.

“You’ve already done so much…”

“We insist.” Brian gave Joseph a gentle squeeze.

“I… thank you. We’ll… we’ll need food.”

Mat spoke up. “Consider it done. I’ll have every meal for you.”

“S-someone to take the kids while we plan the funeral.”

Craig spoke this time. “Softball starts tomorrow. Ashley and I will enroll them so you don’t have to worry about them during the day.”

“And, ah, someone to take care of the house.”

“Done,” Brian said. “Daisy and I will come over every day.”

Joseph broke down. “I… I can’t thank you enough. If there’s anything I can do…”

“All we ask is that you talk to your pastor. We want you to be okay. You shouldn’t have to bear this alone. We look up to you for help, you deserve someone to look up to.”

Joseph started crying, and the three all gave him a hug. He didn’t deserve these friends. They were all so kind. He felt like his world stopped, but they managed to help him keep moving.

After a minute, he managed to get back over to his family. He hugged his wife. She hugged him back, but he could tell she was tired. No mother should go through this. He didn’t know what tomorrow would bring, and he didn’t know when the tears would stop, but their whole family would stop living if they didn’t admit to themselves that baby Christina was gone.


	2. A Lot to Drink About

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joseph reflects on life, and then goes for a drink.

Joseph looked down at the tiny bundle of joy on his chest. The child slept as he reclined on the couch, the TV quietly playing in the background. He watched as the child peacefully rested, rising up and down as he breathed. Crish held Joseph’s pinky as he slept, making Joseph smile.

There weren’t any problems this time. No emergency C-section, no difficult birth, no realization that this child wouldn’t see their 5th birthday. No problems bringing Crish into the world. Everything else seemed like a disaster, though.

Even before the baby shower that felt like a joke, the pregnancy announcement that felt like a chore, the sex that felt like a responsibility, their happy home seemed to be crumbling. Mary didn’t recover quickly from their loss. Joseph understood, of course. As hard as it hit him, Mary felt the pain tenfold. She went though so much to bring life into the world, only for that life to be taken away so soon. Mary was bedridden for a while, only getting up to eat and occasionally shower. Joseph managed to convince her to go to a therapist and the women’s group. It took a while, but she eventually did.

Things started looking up. Their children played and smiled, started school. But there was something different about Mary. Joseph was sure he changed as well. He didn’t realize they had been living in a happy bubble, a honeymoon haze of love that defined their marriage. Now, when they looked at each other, the spark wasn’t there. They argued more, tempers shorter and will to compromise cut short. Kisses were less often. Hugs were shorter.

He wasn’t sure who first suggested another child. Somehow, the idea just came up in both of their minds. Pretty soon it seemed like the best option to save their marriage. Fall back in love with each other as they fell in love with a new baby. They cobbled together a shaky foundation. It wasn’t much, but it was something. Mary’s pregnancy seemed to give them a stasis. No, it wasn’t the pure joy they felt the first three times, but it was contentment they were both happy with.

It was after Mary finished nursing, however, that everything crumbled. They argued again, they fought and fought and fought. Over the stupidest stuff, as well. It ended one night in Mary slamming the door shut as Joseph tried not to let his sobs wake the children. He wasn’t asleep when she came home, crawling into bed smelling like liquor. He waited until she passed out before moving to the couch, unable to deal with her that drunk.

To her credit, Mary didn’t seem hungover. Joseph woke in the morning to her packing the children’s lunches. She didn’t say anything; just gave him a look. It said so much. Her eyes asked for forgiveness while also telling him what he denied for so long. This was the new normal. This was how it was going to be. They would never find their happiness again.

Joseph gently pet Crish’s hair. He gave the child a kiss on the forehead. So much was on his mind, but at least his children were there. He would fight the world for them. He knew Mary felt the same. He guessed that’s why they stayed together. To their children, their world, they were the perfect image of mother and father.

Joseph had just tilt his head to the side to watch television, when he heard small, bare feet come down the stairs. He looked over and saw Christian rub his eyes. He was holding his blanket, hair a mess.

“Daddy? Can I get a glass of water?” The boy said, sleepy.

“Of course.” Joseph gently stood, careful not to disturb Crish. He went to the kitchen and got Christian his glass of water, making sure he didn’t drink too quickly. He was about to bring both of them to bed when Mary opened the door. They turned to look at her.

“Is everything okay?” She asked.

“Yep. Just fine. Just putting these two back to bed.”

Mary walked to them. “I can do that, if you would like.”

Joseph hesitated, but walked to her and placed Crish in her arms. He leaned into her and sighed. His voice was a whisper. “How… how much did you drink tonight?”

Mary rolled her eyes, and her mouth turned into a slight frown. “Just a glass of wine with dinner. I was at the shelter all night.”

Ah, right. Damien convinced her to volunteer there. It seemed to help. She drank a bit less, and was a bit happier. Joseph was grateful. “Okay. I need some fresh air.”

Mary rolled her eyes again, but started shuffling Christian back up the stairs.

Joseph threw on his coat and walked outside. Winter was cold, sharp against his nose. He saw lights on in some of the other houses. He wanted to reach out to his friends, but he knew they had their own lives. Ashley had just left Craig. Damien was recovering from bottom surgery. Hugo was trying to figure out custody of his son. It wasn’t Joseph’s place to dump his problems on them. He was there to help them, listen to what they had to say and help them through the big changes in their lives. He loved his job but something about it, something in what he did made him feel distanced from everyone else. He missed laughing with another person. He missed being held in a hug that was just a touch too long, but so genuine it felt like it should never end. He longed for someone to hold him and tell him everything was going to be alright.

He guessed he should try what Mary does to drown out the fact that their marriage was nothing more than a checkbox on their tax returns. Joseph went to the nearest bar, hoping no one from church was there. He ordered a margarita, and listened to the background noise. There was something nice about being able to fade out from reality and just listen in. The sweet tartness of his margarita danced on his tongue. He could almost forget his troubles. It was a brief happiness. He would be happier if was part of a conversation, though.

He was almost done with his drink when he sensed someone slip into onto the barstool next to him. He looked over, his eyes focusing through the haze of alcohol. It had been a while since he had hard liquor. He wasn’t used to it. He tried to hide his embarrassment at this little tequila having this big of an effect.

“Hey,” The man said. Joseph thought he recognized him. He had seen that face around.

“Hi. …Robert?” Jospeh asked.

“That’s me.” The man knocked back the rest of his whiskey in one go. Dear God. “I don’t normally see you in here. What gives?”

Joseph sighed and downed the rest of his drink. “Lonely, I guess.”

Robert chuckled and swirled what was left in his glass. “Isn’t that why anyone comes here alone?”

Robert ordered two shots of whiskey, and put one in front of Joseph. When the minister hesitated, Robert spoke. “It helps with the loneliness.”

Joseph stared at the brassy liquid in the glass in front of him. He shouldn’t, but what does he have to lose? His marriage? He’s already lost that. He downed it, choking a bit as it burned its way down. The taste masked any of what was left of the margarita on his tongue. All he tasted was… that had to be what gasoline tasted like, right?

Robert chuckled again, and downed it far easier than Joseph did. “Not one for shots?”

Joseph was still trying to recover from the pain of it. “I’m a tequila person myself. Not whiskey.”

“I’d thought you’d be a wine drinker, myself.”

“Only on Sundays.”

Robert raised an eyebrow at Joseph’s joke, a light smirk forming on his face. Joseph took it as the closest he would get to making Robert smile. “Closing soon. I’ll walk with ya.”

The air didn’t seem as cold now. Joseph could feel the alcohol in him. He was sure he wasn’t walking in a straight line. He gave up eventually and took Robert’s arm, leaning on the other man for support. Robert didn’t say anything, so Joseph didn’t stop.

They stopped right in front of Robert’s house. Joseph looked to Robert, wondering why the stopped. The minister was about to try and walk the rest of the way when Robert didn’t let go of his arm. “So, are we doing this?”

“W…huh?”

“Are we doing this? If not, then I’ll walk you home. But I kinda need to know.”

Realization hit Joseph like a truck. Oh Lord, he shouldn’t. He was married. He had four children and a wife. Adultery was a sin. What would Mary think? But he couldn’t get a voice out of his head. He didn’t know if it was the whiskey or part of him crying, crying ever since they lost Christina. He couldn’t remember the last time Mary kissed him with any sort of passion. He couldn’t remember the last time they had sex because they wanted to give each other pleasure, not just for the purpose of having children. He imagined Robert’s arms around him, touching him where few have touched. Giving him warmth and pleasure and using Joseph’s body to get pleasure in return.

Years had gone by since a kiss took his breath away. Since a touch made him shiver in delight. Since someone was close enough to feel their hot breath on his skin. Since… since he could imagine someone was in love with him.

Joseph was a broken man, but at least he could be a broken man with the dream of being in love.

He nodded. Robert smirked and led him inside. While Robert wasn’t looking, Joseph slipped his wedding band into his pants pocket.


	3. Helpless

Joseph woke, bleary eyed and stiff. He sat up with one of his arms supporting him, and wiped his eyes with the other. He still felt sore and sticky from last night, and he could tell he slept naked.

He didn’t expect this to be a habit. The first night with Robert was hot and desperate; two men making up for time they didn’t know they lost. Robert’s hands were rough on Joseph’s skin, his scars leaving goosebumps as they traced Joseph’s hips and cock. Robert’s kisses were just as rough as him. Robert left hickeys that had Joseph grasping the sheets, arching up for more contact, with only a tingling in his mind hoping they wouldn’t be visible. The sex left Joseph limp on the bed, totally at the mercy of Robert.

Joseph managed to get up before the sun and get back to his house before Mary could suspect anything. Joseph had been sleeping on the couch recently anyway. The night hung on his mind, keeping him company later. He certainly didn’t expect a message on Dadbook, asking if he wanted to do it again. Joseph was so hesitant. Casual sex wasn’t casual when your partner didn’t know. It was very serious. But Joseph felt a strong pull toward the mysterious man. No, they weren’t in love. But Joseph could pretend they were.

Every time was the same. Joseph would come after sunset and leave before sunrise. It became habit, almost. Robert was a comfort, in the way that Damien’s yard was a comfort. The meticulous shrubbery brought joy, but the gargoyle eyes remained a lingering fear in the distance. But, if you could pretend that fear wasn’t there, it felt like home.

This time, however, Joseph couldn’t hide. Mary was awake by now, making lunches for the children. She knew he was gone. He smelled like sex. He was a mess, covered in hickies and, ah, rope marks. Joseph sighed. He hoped the ropes wouldn’t have left a mark but…

He got up, finding his clothes. They had wrinkles in them, and it looked like he was missing a button from his shirt. He didn’t care. It was too late now. He threw them on, and made his way to his house. Each step felt like a workout. One house over felt like a mile, one that got longer and longer as he walked. He thought about what he just did. Hell, what he had been doing. He was a man of God and a man cheating on his wife out of loneliness. Wasn’t he supposed to overcome these trials? He prayed multiple times a day, but it never seemed to give him strength to resist temptation. By the time he reached his front door, there were tears in his eyes.

The look Mary gave him from the kitchen said everything he didn’t want to hear. She figured it out immediately. She knew the look of someone walking home in shame. Joseph couldn’t tell if she had tears in her eyes as well, or if it were his own blurring his vision.

“…Pastor Dickenson called this morning.” Fuck. Her voice was too controlled for this. Too calm. Joseph felt like his guilt was going to break him then and there. “He said there is an extra meeting, and you’ll have to work late tonight.”

Joseph didn’t know where he found his voice. Even so, it was weak and broken. “… Yes, of course.” Joseph wanted to say more, find something to say to her, but she just went back to packing the children’s lunches. Joseph sighed, defeated, and walked up to take a shower. He needed to wash Robert off of him before anyone got too close.

He missed having someone to shower with.

~

The youth minister was the picture of poise. He was clean cut, sitting perfectly, comfortable in his khakis and polo shirt. No one in the room had a clue about his morning. Joseph liked it that way.

The church ladies babbled about Easter decorations. They were always so excited, trying to one-up each other in their ideas and their grandchildren. Joseph had to admit, he never liked meetings with them. Everything to them was a competition. One Christmas tree looked better than the other. Mrs. So and So brought in more white lilies than Mrs. So and So. That wasn’t his job, but they didn’t understand that. To them, he was there to tell the Good News to their children.

They never complimented his sermons on how they encouraged children to think for themselves. How he tried to help children understand something as complex as faith. How he helped children feel better about themselves. It was never about preaching to children. It was encouraging children through the context of Jesus. But the ladies never got that. And if they couldn’t understand what his job was, they certainly weren’t going to understand why he talked less this meeting. They didn’t need to know about his personal life.

As Pastor Dickenson tried to tell Mrs. Lake for the fifth time that no, we can’t decorate with flowers some people are allergic to, Joseph felt his phone silently buzz in his pocket. He pulled it out and looked at it under the table.

[TXT Damien “Dames” Bloodmarch]: Hello, Joseph. I’m sorry to bother you at your work, but this seems rather urgent. Is everything between Mary and you alright? She… well, she was never the same after she started drinking, but she seems especially on edge today. When I attempted to ask her, she just said, and I quote verbatim, “FUCKING JOSE”, and started sobbing. I know it is rude of me to intervene in your personal life, but I’m growing a bit worried. Please respond when you have the chance. –DB

Joseph let out a sigh through his nose. He looked around at the people at the table. His boss, church administration, and every church lady who screened him for his job. He couldn’t let them know what was going on. Rumors were vicious. He had to keep face, even though he wanted to collapse. He texted under the table.

[TXT]: Hi Damien, Thanks for letting me know. I’m in a meeting right now, so I have to keep this brief. No, life at home hasn’t been well, but we’re trying to keep things private. I ask that you don’t pry about it, for both Mary’s and my sake. Please just… help her as much as you can. I’m also going to be late tonight, so can you help her pick up the kids? I’ll text and ask if they can have sleepovers, so Mary and I can work things out. Thanks so much.

The response was almost immediate.

[TXT Damien “Dames” Bloodmarch]: Hello Joseph. Consider it done. I’m sorry things aren’t going well, but I will help as much as I can. I put Mary in the kennel with the Pomeranians, so now she is cuddling with about 17 puppies. She seems better now. If you are in a meeting, let me make the calls. I know the sleepover network around the cul-de-sac. And please, if you two ever need help, I’m always here to listen. -DB

But Damien could never listen. There was too much at risk. In such a small community, people would talk. And then people, important people, would find out. Joseph didn’t need people finding out about his sins. His sins were between himself and God.

[TXT]: Thanks so much

~

It was well past dark when Joseph came home. Some of the lights were on. He didn’t know if he wanted to face what was inside, but he needed to. This had gotten out of control.

What he saw inside both terrified him, and was the least scary thing he could imagine. Mary sat on the floor, leaning on the couch, wine bottle in hand. She took a swig from it, idly watching whatever useless show was on television. When she heard the door, she looked over at Joseph. She did a half salute at him, before taking another swig.

Joseph sighed and took a seat next to her. She offered him her bottle. Joseph stared at it for a second, hesitating. Then he remembered he didn’t have any dignity left. He took it and took a swig before passing it back to Mary.

“So, this is where we are,” Mary said, not looking at him.

“This is where we are,” Joseph echoed. The room was quiet, except for the TV. There was a calm that washed over the air. A calm that Joseph didn’t know if he liked.

“How were the puppies?”

“Fluffy. Amazing. How were the meetings?”

“Awful. Mrs. Lake wants blooming lilies lining the pews for Easter.”

“Blegh,” Mary took another swig, “That’s so gaudy. Some kid’s gonna eat a lily.”

Joseph snorted in laughter. There was a time when a kid tried to eat some plastic holly. It was horrible at the time, but he and Mary had a good laugh at Mrs. Lake’s annoyed face. He missed when they could laugh together.

There was a silence for a while as they both started at the TV. Neither of them wanted to talk about what was at hand. Joseph could hear them breathing, slow intakes of air. He could tell they were tired. So, so tired.

In the end, Mary broke the silence. “How many times?”

“…Five.”

“I don’t wanna know with who.” Mary drank some more. Joseph reached out and took another swig. At least this was cheap wine. It made him feel less shitty, for some reason.

“Does Dickenson know?”

“No. Nobody knows.”

Mary looked at the floor. He could see the bags under her eyes. “Good. Have you prayed about it?”

For some reason, that hurt Joseph. “Of course I have! I pray multiple times a day that this will stop. The pain, the loneliness, everything. I pray and pray and pray, and nothing. All He gave me was…” _Robert_ “… A chance to warm the bed of someone.” Joseph let himself calm down. His anger and frustration wouldn’t get them anywhere productive. “Have you prayed?”

“… Of course,” Mary sneered. “I asked Him every day why He took my baby from me. And then I asked Him why I couldn’t be happy anymore. And then I asked Him why I didn’t love you any more.” Tears fell onto her skirt. “And the only response I got from Him was alcohol.”

Joseph looked at them. Two broken people, sitting on the floor of their perfect home, desperately trying to figure out how to continue to pretend they were a perfect couple. He felt like a joke.

Mary took a deep breath. “I thought about it, today. While I was with the puppies. What I want. Now that our marriage is a sham.”

Joseph winced. That hurt to hear. “What?”

“I want you to stop sleeping around. But,” She stuck a finger in his face, not looking at him. He could tell the alcohol was getting to her. “If you do fall in love, and I mean really in love, you can sleep with them. But I expect courtship. Dating, flowers, the whole bit. Then you can fuck them. Just don’t have meaningless sex. If you fuck, it better be meaningful fucking.”

Joseph nodded. That sounded… reasonable. He was nervous about going on the dating scene again, but it meant that maybe he could be happy. It didn’t forgive him for cheating before, but it was something to get rid of the uncertainty in their lives.

“Okay. But in return, I want you to drink less. Only 3 nights a week. The… the kids miss you. I’m convinced they think you’re their parent in the morning and I’m the parent in the evening.”

Mary seemed to think about it for a second, before nodding. “Deal.”

“And what about our marriage?”

“Stick with it until we can’t anymore. It would be really hard on the kids right now, as well as financially. If we divorce, I want it to be a good thing for them.” Mary started speaking in her mom voice. “’Mommy and Daddy are separating, but that’s because Daddy loves someone. So now you’ll have three parents,‘ sort of bullcrap.”

Joseph could understand that. “I agree.”

“Good.” Mary held out her fist to Joseph. He looked at it for a second before bumping it with his own. Maybe… maybe they could be better friends than life partners.


	4. Changing Channels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All the dads have a chat about the newcomer to the cul-de-sac.

Maybe Joseph was a bit optimistic. Sure, Mary drank less. Sure, Joseph stayed faithful to their new agreement. But the house was less than happy. Mary’s fuse seemed shorter and shorter every day. They often argued about who was going to take the kids to the park, and which church functions they should go to. Joseph slept on the couch quite a few times since their discussion.

Still, he pushed on. They never had large arguments in front of the children, thank God. His children were his everything. As long as they were happy, he was happy. He missed being loved as a husband, but he was still loved as a father. Their smiles kept him moving from day to day.

One of his joys was seeing his children in their Sunday best. Christie loved her fluffy dresses, and Chris and Christian loved their clip on ties. Chris was getting old enough to wear a regular tie, though. It would have to be a boy’s one, but Joseph planned on taking him out shopping for one. It would be good bonding time. Crish was still small enough that his Sunday best was a less stained onesie. He admired how cute his kids were as they piled into the car, ready to go to church.

He was helping Mary with the safety seat when Craig jogged up. Craig was probably the only other person in the cul-de-sac awake. Joseph would probably still be asleep if he didn’t have work, if he was perfectly honest with himself.

“Hey Joseph!” He said, stopping at the car to talk.

“Hey there, Craig.” Joseph turned to look at the other man when he was sure all the kids were buckled in. “Morning jog?”

“You know it. You should join me on not a Sunday.” Craig chuckled and gave Joseph a friendly punch on the shoulder. “You preachin’ today?”

“Yeah… Pastor Dickenson is celebrating his 60th birthday in Hawaii this week, so I’m giving the sermon today.”

“Daddy gives the best sermons!” A voice shouted from the car.

Craig chuckled at the cute scene, and Joseph had a light blush on his cheeks. Hopefully they wouldn’t embarrass him during the service. Again.

“Well, don’t let me make you late. I just wanted to know if you heard the news.”

That got both Mary’s and Joseph’s attention. They had been so preoccupied with their own lives; they had little time for town gossip. They both shook their heads.

“That house’s been sold.” Craig pointed to the one next to their own, a small ranch style house that was perfect for a small family. It had been on the market for a while now. Joseph was a bit surprised it sold. It was a good starter home for a couple, but not if they wanted a growing family.

“Do you know who?” Joseph asked.

“No idea.”

Mary stepped in, eyes glistening and sure. “I can find out. Trust me.”

Both Craig and Joseph looked at her, but she looked determined. She used to fill Joseph in on all the gossip around town and church. He could pretty easily believe she would know everything about the new residents by the end of the day.

~

Mary played her part well. She could schmooze it up with the best of them. She wormed her way into every group of giggling church ladies. Joseph watched her from a distance. Her skill at that never ceased to impress him. He didn’t know if he could do that, and it was his job to talk to people.

By the end of the church luncheon, Mary found out everything she could. She relayed the information to Joseph. No, it wasn’t how they used to gossip, but it was still fun nonetheless. When he had a moment to himself, he sat down and opened his laptop.

The cul-de-sac group Dadbook chat was used on and off, mostly to plan barbeques and tell each other about important life events. Apparently the last conversation had been about brands of hot dogs.

[Brian]: You have to go with Hebrew National.

[Hugo]: But how do they compare to Ballpark?

[Mat]: Less salty, in my opinion.

[Joseph]: I’m a bratwurst man myself. Also, Mary gave me some information on the new person moving into the cul-de-sac.

[Brian]: Brats are wonderful. And someone is moving in?

[Craig]: Yep, to the house between Mat’s and Joseph’s. Found out yesterday.

[Damien]: Hello everyone, I was also unaware of anyone moving in. I would like to know some information, Joseph. Do you know if it is a family? And, if so, do they have any pets? –DB

[Joseph]: I know it’s a family, but I’m not sure how many people. I know there’s at least one teenaged daughter. No pets that I know of.

[Mat]: Sounds cool, sounds cool. Hope we can meet them soon.

[Joseph]: They are going to move in about 3 weeks. The paperwork just apparently went through.

[Brian]: Where they from?

[Hugo]: Or any names? I hope it’s not one of my students. That always gets awkward…

[Damien]: Dear Hugo, you teach both my son and your own son. Why would it matter if another one of your students moves in? –DB

[Hugo]: I never said it doesn’t get awkward.

[Damien]: Dear Hugo, oh. –DB

[Craig]: Laughing emoji!!

[Joseph]: No names. And they are moving from across town. Nothing too drastic, so hopefully the transition will be easier on them.

[Mat]: Craig, I taught you how to use emojis. Why do you do this.

[Craig]: winking emoji

[Brian]: We should have a get together for them! As a welcome sort of thing, so they can meet everyone.

[Damien]: Dear Brian, I think that’s a splendid idea. Joseph, you mentioned you knew when they were moving in? I think we should plan it now, so as everyone has time to put it in their calendars. –DB

[Joseph]: Best I have is three weeks from this upcoming Thursday.

[Hugo]: How about that Saturday?

[Brian]: Works for me. Daisy loves hanging out at barbeques.

[Joseph]: My backyard is free, if we want to have the barbeque at my place.

[Craig]: You do have the biggest lawn. I think it’d be best at your place.

[Mat]: Crap. I might have a dentist appointment that day. I’ll see if I can get it changed.

[Hugo]: Language, Mat.

[Mat]: Oh I’m so sorry Joseph! I didn’t mean to swear.

[Joseph]: Yeah watch your fucking language.

[Hugo]: …

[Mat]: …

[Craig]: …

[Joseph]: What?

[Brian]: It’s just… we’ve never heard you swear, so we thought you didn’t like it. Being a youth minister and all.

[Joseph]: Oh, I swear. I just don’t at church or around kids. And since I’m always in either of those situations…

[Joseph]: I was also a sailor.

[Craig]: That’s fair.

[Damien]: Dear Everyone, that day works with me. I will attempt to convince Lucien to join us for the festivities, however I cannot guarantee his attendance. Also, is it possible we could have veggie burgers at the barbeque? You see, the most Victorians would eat in vast amounts of excess, consuming large pies filled with game to be kept for multiple meals. At festivities, grand, multicourse feasts would be held in the Queen’s honor, filled with sweets and heavy foodstuffs. To combat this vast amount of wasted food, some Victorians became what we would call vegetarians, living off of a mostly plant based diet. I’ve been trying to follow this path, as it seems more reasonable to me, rather than consuming large amounts of heavy food as a fight against waste. Also, red meat upsets my stomach. –DB

[Joseph]: Yeah sure.

[Hugo]: So everyone okay with that plan?

[Brian]: Yep!

[Craig]: It’s good with me.

[Robert]: k

[Joseph]: I’ll put it in my calendar!

[Damien]: Yes, I shall definitely be there. –DB

[Mat]: Alright! Sounds like a plan!

[Mat]: BTW, Does anyone have some tools I can borrow? The Japanese Maple in my backyard is getting a bit unruly.

[Brian]: How unruly? I have both Jameson and Fiskers, but it depends on how much work it needs. Do you need me to come over and help?

Joseph shut his laptop, knowing the conversation was over. He lay down, getting comfortable on the couch. He had emails to check, cat videos to watch, but he was tired. His back was starting to hurt from sleeping on the couch so often. He might have to start sleeping in his yacht a night or two. Joseph closed his eyes, thinking about who could be moving in. He hoped they could be friends.


	5. Knees of My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter about a boat and a message. This chapter is also not beta-ed.

Joseph looked out at the horizon, wind blowing though his once well-kept hair. The salt air always made his hair go crazy, far wavier than it normally was. He thought it made him look younger, but that’s maybe because he always wore his hair like that when he was younger. Mary liked it for a while, but she soon complained about it’s texture. Joseph supposed it didn’t matter anymore.

Brian cast his line, the lure shooting out towards the water. He waited until his lure sunk, before putting his rod down and walking over to Joseph. He leaned on the railing, smirking at the youth minister.

“What’s on your mind?” Brian asked.

“… A lot.”

The barbeque went wonderfully. Everyone showed up. It was a real party; a true summer barbeque. It seemed like his kids were finally making friends with the cul-de-sac kids, which was wonderful. But what really caught his attention was the new man who lived next door.

Joseph thought it was right to bring the new family cookies, but he didn’t expect, well, Leo. He thought it was going to be a family, but no, it was just a father and his daughter. The conversation was awkward at first, but Joseph thought he recovered smoothly enough. At the barbeque, he actually got to talk with the man and see him in his element. He was wonderfully awkward. Dorky and shy, but just confidant enough to always keep his smile on his face. Joseph found himself sneaking glances when he could. He gave what he thought was his best burger to the new man. His heart did a little flip when Leo liked it.

“Hey Jose.”

“Yeah?”

Brian sighed. “I know this is personal, but is everything between you and Mary alright?”

Joseph felt the walls he built around himself immediately go up. “Yep, everything’s perfect.”

“Are you sure?” Brian squinted in disbelief. “You two were arguing a lot at the barbeque last week. And you misplaced a child for a good while.”

Okay, Joseph couldn’t argue with that. “It’s… uh… been a little rough.”

Brian raised an eyebrow. Dammit, he was a good dad. Joseph could feel himself whither in the disbelieving gaze, and Brian wasn’t even his dad. Brian had it down. Daisy was lucky she wasn’t the rebellious type.

“Fine, Fine! No, it’s been awful.” Joseph deflated against the railing.

He felt an arm wrap around him, holding him for support. Brian let Joseph lean on him, and it reminded Joseph of the way he held him when Christina passed away. Joseph thought about resisting, proving he was strong, but what happened on this boat could stay on this boat. He leaned his head on Brian’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry. Need to talk about it?”

“Yeah. I just don’t know if I can.”

Brian’s voice was so comforting. “Well, we can start slow. Who else knows?”

“You. Me. Mary. And, uh, I think Damien knows some of the details, but not the whole picture. I don’t know how much Mary told him.”

“That’s it?” Brian asked.

“Yeah.”

“O… okay.”

“Something wrong with that?”

“No, it’s your life. I just… I thought that your pastor would know. Because, ya know. Well, at least I thought it was a pretty tight knit community.”

Joseph sighed and pulled himself off of Brian. He leaned on the railing, staring out at nothing. Better than facing Brian. “That’s just it. Rumors spread, and I don’t need ‘The Cheating Youth Minister’ rumor to deal wi-” Joseph stopped mid sentence. His jaw hung open, and his eyes were wide. Oh God, he’s said too much.

There was no hope of Brian not noticing. “Ch- I… Joseph! What the hell?! Did you cheat on Mary?!”

Joseph jumped back to face Brian. “That’s not why our marriage is falling apart, I swear! Besides, Mary knows, and we’ve talked about it, and we’ve come to an agreement. I swear, Brian. I…” Tears welled up in Joseph’s eyes. “I cheated on her. But I didn’t ever want to.”

“That makes no sense, Jose.” The distaste was obvious in Brian’s voice, even as he pulled up his line to recast.

“Our marriage has never been the same since… our baby…” Joseph sniffled. “And I’ve just been so lonely. And I got drunk and I hadn’t been kissed in months and it was never meant to mean anything.” Tears rolled down Joseph’s cheeks, dripping onto the stainless steel railing of the beautiful boat. Just another façade of a happy life, Joseph knew. It wasn’t anything like the boats he used to sail. It was the boat a man and his wife owned.

Brian’s face softened. Joseph only caught a glance of him before he was pulled into a hug. Joseph hugged back, trying his best not to stain Brian’s shirt with tears. He was warm and comforting, in a way that Joseph honestly didn’t know if he deserved. “And Mary knows?”

“Yeah. We talked about it. She’s… we agreed on an open relationship.”

Brian nodded. “As long as you two agree.”

Joseph collected himself, although he didn’t want to leave the warm embrace of Brian’s hug. So he didn’t. “It’s the one part of our relationship that we can agree on.”

Brian sighed, not letting go of Joseph. “Okay, so, what comes next?”

But what did come next? Joseph honestly couldn’t answer that. He was living day-by-day, only emotionally able to deal with the next hour. They had found stasis, but it was shakey at best and crumbling at worst. He didn’t know if there even was a second step by this point.

Thankfully, Brian seemed to understand. “Okay, what’s the first thing in your mind that makes you happy?”

“Leo,” Joseph blurted, surprising himself.

And then Brian did an eyebrow wiggle. That eyebrow wiggle, that held so much promise and knowledge. What an ass.

“Staaaaaahp.”

“Nope!”

~

Joseph came back home, smelling like the sea but not caring. His hair was mussed, his skin had a salty film on it, but he loved it. It made him feel like a new man. The kids were in bed, Mary not in sight, so he sat down on the couch and opened his computer.

He had tons of emails, but the message that caught his eye was a message from Leo, asking to hang out. Joseph had to read it three times, his heart in his fingertips. He tried not to think about it too much. He tried not to analyze every letter and spelling mistake. It was just neighbors becoming friends, but his heart wanted to tell him it was something more. He could admire Leo, look at his strong jaw and slightly wavy curls.

Joseph forced himself to write a reply, inviting him to the bake sale tomorrow. He read over it twice, looking for any mistakes. He hovered over the send button, wanting, but afraid.

But hadn’t Brian asked him what made him happy? And his reply was Leo? What was stopping him? Happiness was so scarce these days that depression had become the norm. He couldn’t let that be the norm. If he didn’t at least try and find happiness, he was going to drown.

Joseph hit send.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ARE YOU READY FOR A BAKE SALEEEEEEEE


	6. Take It Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joseph and Leo go to the bake sale, and Joseph has a shocking revelation.

Spending time with Leo was more than a delight. Every moment of eye contact had Joseph blushing, and he couldn’t suppress a smile. Leo was so sweet with the children. Sure, they were just baking from a box mix, but it seemed like any activity was a whirlwind with Leo. Joseph had to keep himself from staring.

Truth be told, Joseph wasn’t used to feeling this… happy. The easy joy came with spending time with a person. Everything was comfortable. Joseph wouldn’t mind lounging and reading a book with Leo in the room. Even if the air was quiet, being with Leo felt natural. Even now, at the bake sale, in public, the world felt calm.

A few people milled about. Children played in the distance, people caught up on who studied where and how their mothers were doing. A perfect bake sale. Leo talked to some of the other residents of the cul-de-sac, and Joseph found himself enjoying watching the man socialize.

“Just two brownies?” Leo teased.

Brian gave a good laugh. “I’m on a diet, don’t you see?” He slapped his stomach. Leo and Brian laughed, while Daisy rolled her eyes.

Joseph smiled and handed the brownies over to Daisy. “Are you coming to movie night?”

“Yeah!”

Leo quirked an eyebrow. “There’s a movie night?”

“Yep, a youth movie night,” Joseph was more than happy to reply.

“You might be a bit old for that one,” Brian teased. Leo gave him a look of pure shock. Joseph couldn’t hold back his giggles.

“Well, thanks for the brownies!” Brian paid and walked off, but Joseph could have sworn that Brian gave him a dad look before he left. One that screamed ‘don’t fuck this up’. Joseph hoped he could make Brian proud.

“We’re doing pretty good!” Joseph said. “At this rate, we’ll have enough money for a new paint job on the church.”

Leo gave him the brightest smile. “Wonderful! You can work some magic as a salesman.” Leo gently bumped Joseph’s shoulder. The small contact sent a jolt through Joseph’s spine, leaving him shivering in the warm bath of the spring sun.

“So. Do all of the kids go to movie night?” Leo leaned on a nearby wall, crossing his arms and looking at Joseph.

“Most. Daisy is one of the sweetest. All of the kids are generally well mannered, but some are just… harder to reach.”

Leo nodded, contemplating Joseph’s words. “I think I get that. Being a youth minster must be tough.”

“It’s rewarding. Although…” No, Joseph had to leave a good impression. He shouldn’t say. “Nevermind.”

Oh no. There was the eyebrow quirk. The eyes boring into his very soul. Joseph was not going to survive this. “What?”

Joseph didn’t even have time to pray for strength. He crumbled under the scrutiny of a single word. He was interrogated, and he didn’t even put up much of a fight. He was a weak, weak man. “Do you ever just… wish you could go to some remote island? Spend time in the sun with a mixed drink and not have a care in the world?” Joseph winced a little when he said that. He was baring his soul and desires for a man he knew for less than a week.

“Joseph,”

Here came the mocking. Leo would never want to spend time with him again.

“I would want nothing more in life.”

Relief hit Joseph like a brick to his chest. “Well then, one day, we need to be on island time.”

Craig walking by interrupted their conversation. Joseph couldn’t help but giggle at Leo’s story, although it was nice to learn that Leo had a true friend in the new neighborhood. It made moving in so much less stressful.

Between selling all the brownies and spending so much time with Leo, Joseph was ecstatic. This day couldn’t have gone better. Leo even offered to help clean up the table like the incredibly sweet man he was.

“Thanks so much. It’s so nice to have help.” Joseph said. He grabbed the tablecloth, starting to fold it. Leo took the other side.

“Always. It was nice getting to know the community a bit.”

They folded the tablecloth, slowly getting closer and closer. Joseph was about to take the whole thing, when his fingers brushed against Leo’s. He looked up from their hands, and noticed they were extremely close. He could see everything, from the way Leo’s eyes glistened in the setting sun to the slight blush he had. Their breaths mingled, warm against each other’s skin. Leo was just ever so slightly taller than Joseph, and the way he just gently tilted his head down made Joseph’s head spin. He was completely and utterly captivated with this man. It would be so easy to just lean over the few centimeters and kiss him. See how Leo’s lips felt against his own. See if a kiss calmed the fire in his chest or added fuel to it.

Joseph took the tablecloth and stepped back. He let out a shaky breath. He remembered his agreement with Mary. He wasn’t going to jump into anything. Hell, he couldn’t even tell yet if it was love or infatuation. When he managed the nerve to look at Leo, the other man had a prominent blush on his face. They made eye contact once again, and Joseph could see the same desire and confusion he felt. At least they would fall down this pit together.

Mary thankfully interrupted their moment. “Hello Joseph. Who did you bring along with you?”

Joseph kept his eyes on his wife. “You know Leo. You’ve met him.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right. Well, how was your guys’ day?”

“Fine. We made quite a bit of money.”

“That’s good,” her tone sounded sarcastic. Joseph would have to talk to her about it later. “Mine was boring. So very boring.”

“Mary,” Joseph was steadily getting more annoyed. “It’s for the church.”

“I know. But something about the people here is just…” And then Mary made eye contact with Joseph. He knew that look. Something was up. Probably some new gossip, but he couldn’t tell.

“They seem nice enough.” Leo’s voice broke them out of their gaze.

Joseph let a beat pass, before he turned to Mary again. “Can we talk about this at home?”

“… Sure, honeybear.” Mary walked off, and Joseph knew their conversation wasn’t over.

~

Joseph drove the car into his driveway, but he walked Leo one house over. It was nice living so close to Leo.

“Thanks again. The help is always appreciated.” Joseph stood outside of Leo’s door, like they were in high school again. It made Joseph’s heart do a small leap.

“Always. It was nice spending time with you.” The glow of the moonlight made Leo’s smile all that sweeter. It couldn’t stop, however, the man’s slight yawn.

“Tuckered you out?” Joseph smiled.

“I am a sleepy dad.” Leo nodded and yawned again.

“Then I won’t keep you.”

Leo smiled, looking at Joseph. They held their gaze for a heartbeat. Joseph could feel the thoughts swimming through his mind. Every moment of the day raced back to him.

And then Leo gave him a small kiss on the lips.

And every thought left Joseph’s mind.

It was so sweet and gentle. His lips were soft, and the pressure was more a tingling against Joseph’s. It was chaste and sweet, but somehow both intimate and loving. Joseph felt weak, but he never wanted to gain his strength back.

Leo waved goodbye as he walked into his own house. Joseph waved back, until the door of the house closed. He slowly made his way to his own house, a contented smile across his face. It has been so long since a kiss made him smile, find a stasis that he wanted to last forever. He wanted nothing more than to hold Leo; wrap his arms around him and kiss him more. It had been so long, that Joseph couldn’t remember if this was what love felt like. He hoped it was.

He opened the door of his own house. No one was on the first floor, but he did hear noise from upstairs. He went to check it out.

As he reached the top of the stairs, he could hear one of his kids wailing. His feet quickened their pace, jogging to the ajar door. Through it, he saw Mary kneeling at Chris’ bed, and Chris sobbing into his blanket, holding his favorite toy.

Joseph rushed in. “Hey hey hey hey, what happened?” Joseph kneeled by Mary.

Chris sniffled, speaking through his sobs. “B-Bryce said w-w-we couldn’t be fri-iends any more!” A fresh waves of tears came.

“It’s okay, baby,” Mary cooed. She held Chris in a hug. “It’s okay. I’m sure it’s just a big misunderstanding.”

Joseph knew he was missing something, but it didn’t seem to matter. He could find out the rest later. “We’ll get it all sorted tomorrow, okay?”

“O-okay…” Chris wiped his eyes.

“And Daddy can take you to buy that new tie tomorrow, okay?” Mary’s voice was as calm as she could make it.

Chris nodded.

“Mommy and Daddy love you very much.” Joseph kissed Chris’ head, as did Mary. She put him to bed, ushering out Joseph and closing the door.

Joseph headed downstairs where they could talk. “What was that about? Bryce and Chris have been friends since they were six.”

Mary groaned. Her tone changed from the sweet mother to the woman Joseph had gotten to know all too well. “They all saw you, Joseph.”

“What?”

“They. Saw. You.”

“Doing what, Mary. I sold brownies all day.”

“Eye fucking Leo?!” Mary said, like it was obvious. The realization hit Joseph. It knocked the wind out of him. He thought they were more subtle than that.

“W-Wh…”

“They all saw you. Every fucking bitchy lady who gossips like their life depends on it. They saw you, and put the pieces together. Some strange guy you were eye fucking was at the booth with you, and I was off to the side watching the kids. It’s not hard, Joseph.” Mary stalked over to the kitchen, and pulled out a bottle of wine. She filled her glass almost to the brim.

“We have an agreement, Mary. I’m allowed to fall in love-”

“Shut up, I’m not done.” She took a long swig. “So Carol saw this, and came to the conclusion that you’re cheating on me. Which. You did, but not in this instance.” Joseph felt like shit all of a sudden. Well, shittier than before. “She decided she had to let everyone know, so she did. She told everyone in that stupid group. She even threatened to tell Dickenson.”

“… No.”

“I also overheard her telling Bryce that he needed to stop being friends with Chris, because she didn’t want a son being friends with a boy who’s father isn’t faithful.”

“No.”

“So Bryce went up to Chris, and basically said they couldn’t be friends anymore. You were putting stuff away, so Chris came running to me. Of course this made a whole scene, and I basically had to shuffle the kids into the car and get away as fast as possible. But Carol stopped me and tried to offer me sympathy and said she was going to tell the pastor-”

“ _No!_ ” Joseph slammed his hands down on their kitchen island. He had tears streaming down his face, dripping onto the counter. “Why?! Why are they doing this?!”

“You’re the one bringing your date to church events.”

“As I’m allowed to! I’m allowed to want to spend time with the person I have a crush on!” His confession hung in the air. Mary looked sympathetic. When Joseph spoke again, his voice was broken. “Why are my children being punished for me being happy?”

Joseph saw a tear fall down Mary’s cheek. Her voice was just above a whisper. “I don’t know.”

The phone rang. They both looked over to it, seeing the screen light up. It said ‘Pastor Martin Dickenson’.

“You should answer that.” Mary said. Joseph doubled over on the kitchen counter, letting his tears overtake him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BotW has taken over my life, but don't think for a second I've forgotten about this one.


End file.
